Friday Feedback

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Gae Polisner’s blog That Wee Bit Heap featured guest author Amy Fellner Dominy and Nate Evans, picture book writer, on her Friday’s Feedback post.

It was really late at night here in Bahrain when I decided, after a busy day, to participate. I had missed the last two weeks, so I read Amy’s excerpt about Grace and left my comments. Then I clipped a bit from my measly story about Bailey:
An excerpt from my middle grade novel – (Scott hasn’t been a character in this book, but he was a boy from last year who had moved to another school.)

“Scott died last night at home. It was unexpected,” Mrs. Clayton, the principal, just started this class meeting letting it all out. Well, not all of it. She did not explain how he died. She stopped and stammered a bit. Then stopped. She was finished talking.

Ms. R. spoke up to help. “Well, we thought it would be good to remember Scott today and let anyone who wanted to talk about him. What do you remember about him?” Ms. R asked. “I didn’t know Scott much because I was new last year, but I do remember seeing him in the hallway.”

“Everyone hated him,” wailed Debra. She vomited it out, so explosively, it made everyone stop and take an extra breath. Debra had never showed any emotion. Why is she crying? most of them wondered. She surely hated him the most of all.

“Well, maybe not everyone,” said Lisa. “He was Bailey’s friend.”

Everyone looked at Bailey’s empty chair. “Hey, where’s Bailey?” said Marco loudly.

“He didn’t come today, nitwit. Didn’t you even notice?” answered Ralph, who was sitting next to Marco.

“No more nitwits,” whispered Lisa.

You can read the feedback that I received from Gae, Betsy, and Amy here, but in a nutshell, here were some of their advice:

  • Perspective – I guess it’s becoming clear I have no idea how to do this. I need more work on how to do this.
  • Point of view – I’ve been writing it in third person–limited, multiple or omniscient? I have no idea!
  • Not so many different dialogue tags
  • Be more realistic and not hyperbolic in Debra’s actions.

I did some reading about point of view and perspective. Mostly what I learn is how much I don’t know about writing! This was a helpful article from NY Book Editors.

On Saturday, I decided to spend some time listening to their specific suggestions and trying to improve it.  (I’m still unclear on perspective and who knows what’s happening in my third person narrative!) Here is the second version after just a little more work:

“Scott died last night at home. It was unexpected,” Mrs. Clayton, the principal, just started this class meeting letting it all out, but she did not explain how he died. She stopped and stammered a bit, then continued.  “Well, we thought it would be good to remember Scott today and let anyone who wanted to talk about him. What do you remember about him?”

The sixth graders were mostly quiet. A few started crying softly. Others who had seen it on Facebook last night nodded their heads softly.

“I didn’t know Scott much because I was new last year, but I do remember seeing him in the hallway. He was a shy boy, wasn’t he?”  said Ms. R.

“Everyone hated him,” blurted Debra. There was an audible gasp as many of the students in unison took a quick gulp of air. Debra hardly ever talked aloud, much less  so passionately. She began weeping, sniffing, and couldn’t stop, though she seemed to be trying to contain her sobs. Why is she crying? most of them wondered. She surely hated him the most of all.

“Well, not everyone,” said Lisa. “He was Bailey’s friend.”

Everyone looked at Bailey’s empty chair. “Hey, where’s Bailey?” said Marco loudly.

“He didn’t come today, nitwit. Didn’t you even notice?” said Ralph.

“No more nitwits,” said Lisa, under her breath to no one in particular.

Whew! This is tough. How many more versions will it take to at least make a nice story for my students? 

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